HOW TO WRITE A SERMON
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with a fully-charged laptop.
2. Read over the scripture carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Take a quick trip to Starbucks to buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Make a quick call to clergy colleague to see if she’s started her sermon, either. If neither of you has started, you might meet up somewhere for a quick bite to help you concentrate. If she casually says that she finished hers last Tuesday and was just brushing up on her delivery, hang up quickly and pray for the future of your friendship.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with with a fully-charged laptop.
6. Read over the scripture again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you messages.
8. You know, you haven’t thought about your Jr. High band camp roommate in years… You’d better look her up on Facebook right now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
9. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
10. Download that song you’ve been wanting to add to your collection, and that’s it – I mean it – as soon as that’s done you are going to start that sermon. (This, of course, involves digging out your iPod from your gym bag, which necessitates starting a load of laundry.)
11. Put together a photo slide show using new song as background. Send it to everyone you know.
12. Check your e-mail again. (Do not – EVER – read email from members of your congregation that arrive at this crucial time. No good will come of this.)
13. Head for the bookshelf to find inspiration. (Perhaps that illustration you need is in that blue book you bought at that conference and never read.) Organize your library so books will be easier to find in the future.
14. Phone a clergy colleague and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your congregation, your D.S., your Bishop, and the Conference.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with a fully-charged laptop.
16. Read over the scripture again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked. Check Facebook while you’re at it. It might be your turn to play Scrabulous!
18. Check the listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a sermon due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile. Hey, there might be a sermon illustration lurking on that infomercial!
19. Check Facebook again. Maybe that friend from Jr. High accepted your friend request.
20. Phone your clergy friend to see how her sermon’s going. Make fun of other sermons you read posted on the Internet.
21. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
22. Check Facebook. Maybe someone wrote on your wall. Challenge a friend to a Scrabulous game.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
24. Open your door and see if it’s too cloudy for stars tonight.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with a fully-charged laptop.
26. Read over the scripture one more time. Perhaps you missed something earlier.
27. Put the laundry in the dryer. Make a list of things you must buy at the store tomorrow.
28. Check your e-mail. Put your new photo slideshop on your MySpace page.
29. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
30. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
31. Leap up and write your sermon.
edited later: I got this from an email forward from another clergywoman